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Recently I was interviewing for a potential new job. I didn't get it, as is probably obvious since there was a distinct lack of "wee! I got it!" postings after the interview. That, however is beside the point. The actual point is that it has caused several people to start suggesting that I should look for a new job, either to one that pays more or to one that has me travel less.

My response has pretty much been the same - 'and do what exactly?' One friend is asking me what I want to do, then he'll help me find a job where he works (at Intel). I know several people to talk to if I wanted a programming job. The problem is that none of those sound interesting at this point. Then one friend asked me, if I could do anything in the world, what would I want to do?

After quite a bit of time, the best I could come up with was 'I want the fairytale'. I want to find a guy who is sweet and funny and smiles a lot causing me to smile too. I don't want to have to work so that I can do all of the little random things that I would like to do instead. I would like to have a little house in the countryside with dogs and kids.

Reality, though, doesn't tend to like fairytales.

I like to work, I like doing things provided there is a purpose, I'm just tired of all the damn travel that prevents me from even attempting to have a life. I'm almost 38. The window for having kids is quickly closing. Kids have never been particularly high on the list of things, so I won't be disappointed if I don't have them. Somehow they just seem to go with the image of a happy life with a doting husband.

I think the problem boils down to my wants. Things that I want often aren't tangible. They are ideas and ideals. I want a job that I'm happy to go to and pays the bills. I want to find my happiness, wherever it may be hiding. I want the guy who makes my heart break a little each time I see him and know I can't have him (I would presume that if I actually had him, my heart would dance for joy every time I saw him) For someone who went for so long not actually knowing what happiness felt like, that seems like a big order. So many people find it, though, that I have to ask 'when will I?'.

I want a new life. Loose weight, change my style - hair, dress, house, whatever - move somewhere different, get a different job. I don't necessarily want to leave friends and family, but particularly on the family front, I want them to be less involved so that when/if I get my own, I won't be tied to all of the expectations that I currently am tied to.

Like I said, I want the fairytale. So does anyone know how I might find it?


(Deleted comment)
Sep. 19th, 2012 12:57 pm (UTC)
It just takes so damn long and I'm impatient. I want it all, yesterday if at all possible ;)