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Recently I was interviewing for a potential new job. I didn't get it, as is probably obvious since there was a distinct lack of "wee! I got it!" postings after the interview. That, however is beside the point. The actual point is that it has caused several people to start suggesting that I should look for a new job, either to one that pays more or to one that has me travel less.

My response has pretty much been the same - 'and do what exactly?' One friend is asking me what I want to do, then he'll help me find a job where he works (at Intel). I know several people to talk to if I wanted a programming job. The problem is that none of those sound interesting at this point. Then one friend asked me, if I could do anything in the world, what would I want to do?

After quite a bit of time, the best I could come up with was 'I want the fairytale'. I want to find a guy who is sweet and funny and smiles a lot causing me to smile too. I don't want to have to work so that I can do all of the little random things that I would like to do instead. I would like to have a little house in the countryside with dogs and kids.

Reality, though, doesn't tend to like fairytales.

I like to work, I like doing things provided there is a purpose, I'm just tired of all the damn travel that prevents me from even attempting to have a life. I'm almost 38. The window for having kids is quickly closing. Kids have never been particularly high on the list of things, so I won't be disappointed if I don't have them. Somehow they just seem to go with the image of a happy life with a doting husband.

I think the problem boils down to my wants. Things that I want often aren't tangible. They are ideas and ideals. I want a job that I'm happy to go to and pays the bills. I want to find my happiness, wherever it may be hiding. I want the guy who makes my heart break a little each time I see him and know I can't have him (I would presume that if I actually had him, my heart would dance for joy every time I saw him) For someone who went for so long not actually knowing what happiness felt like, that seems like a big order. So many people find it, though, that I have to ask 'when will I?'.

I want a new life. Loose weight, change my style - hair, dress, house, whatever - move somewhere different, get a different job. I don't necessarily want to leave friends and family, but particularly on the family front, I want them to be less involved so that when/if I get my own, I won't be tied to all of the expectations that I currently am tied to.

Like I said, I want the fairytale. So does anyone know how I might find it?

Comments

tearlit
Sep. 18th, 2012 01:32 am (UTC)
*hugs*

This makes me kind of sad for you. Because you are amazing and deserve lovely happy making things. (Pardon my seeming illiteracy, I have worked way too damn much today.)

If I were to give you advice I think it would be take it one day at a time. Set small goals toward little things that you think may make you happy, toward things that bring you fulfillment, and keep going until you get there. And don't try too hard. Often, happiness can be buried in the mad dash to find it.
mycha_miska
Sep. 18th, 2012 01:44 am (UTC)
Thanks, that brings a smile to my day! *hugs* back.